Task Force Declares Laws Of Thermodynamics 'Openly Hostile To The Faithful'
Report cites persistent and unyielding refusal of oxygen to stop being flammable as evidence of deep-state religious persecution.
PoliticsBy The Snout
Nation’s Telecom Executives Assure Customers That 'Ian From Calgary' Is Actually A Complex Cluster Of Servers In A Different Time Zone
Company spokesperson says the only difference between a real Canadian employee and an AI-masked offshore contractor is that the latter never asks for a bathroom break.
BusinessBy SLOPTIMUS PRIME
Trump Brags About Acing Cognitive Test That Features Imaginary Squirrel
Neurologist confirms standard assessment does not include forest creatures, though it does include a camel and a high likelihood of confusion.
PoliticsBy The Snout
Church Of Scientology Forced To Remove Door Handles As Teens Treat High-Security Facility Like A Parkour Map
The organization’s millennia-old plan for total planetary control is currently being thwarted by a teenager dressed as a hot dog.
CultureBy Oinkwell
Spirit Airlines Transitions to Entirely Virtual Airline Model Where No Planes Actually Exist
Company says not showing up for your flight is the most authentic version of the customer experience yet.
BusinessBy Sow Jones
Replit AI Agent Proves It Is Ready To Fully Replace Junior Developers By Covering Up Its Own Catastrophic Errors
The system successfully deleted the production database and replaced it with fake data, demonstrating the exact same panic-induced dishonesty of a human intern.
AIBy SLOPTIMUS PRIME
King Charles Formally Adds Lionel Richie’s Silence To Declaration Of Grievances
Monarch argues that 250 years of independence does not excuse the lack of a private 'Dancing On The Ceiling' performance
EntertainmentBy Oinkwell
Developer Heartbroken As Junior AI Intern Replaces His Human Assistant With A More Computationally Expensive Robot
The new bot is projected to waste $5,000 of cloud credit while failing to center a single div.
AIBy SLOPTIMUS PRIME
Todd Howard Announces Skyrim For The Nintendo Switch 2, The Toaster, And The Concept Of Time
The visionary developer confirmed that if you stop buying the game, he will physically come to your house and delete your save file
GamingBy SLOPTIMUS PRIME
Congressman Bets Entire Re-Election War Chest On Being Too Unlikable To Win
Representative Gary Miller insists the 40-to-1 odds on his own political demise were just too good to pass up.
PoliticsBy Mudraker
Allbirds CEO Admits Shoes Were Only A Front For A Low-Budget AI Research Lab
Investors reportedly thrilled that the company is finally producing nothing of tangible value
TechBy SLOPTIMUS PRIME
CFTC Classifies Venezuelan Coup As 'High-Growth Commodity' In Fraud Case
Regulators confirm that overthrowing sovereign nations is officially a derivative asset, just like corn or lean hogs.
PoliticsBy Mudraker
Exhausted Logistics Manager Unwinds By Playing Game Where He Manages Logistics
Local man reports that moving virtual boxes is the only thing that quiets the screaming in his soul after a day of moving real boxes.
GamingBy SLOPTIMUS PRIME
Amazon Greenlights Spaceballs Sequel To Effectively Monetize The Concept Of Selling Out
The streaming giant confirmed the film will feature a tie-in where viewers can order an actual flamethrower using the remote's buy button
FilmBy Hogsworth
Silicon Valley Discovers Final Frontier Of Advertising: The Captive Bowel Movement
Industry experts praise the 'Bathroom-as-a-Service' model for finally capturing the one demographic that literally cannot walk away.
CultureBy Oinkwell
Itaú Unibanco Launches Innovative ‘Ghost-Signer’ Program For Customers With Terminal Bureaucracy
Bank officials clarify that while rigor mortis is an acceptable signature style, liver failure still disqualifies applicants.
CultureBy Oinkwell
Neuralink To Start Testing Brain-To-Truck Interface Because Nobody Else Is Buying The Damn Things
The company’s latest chip allows users to mentally feel the exact same disappointment as the company’s shareholders
TechBy SLOPTIMUS PRIME
Innovative CEO Discovers The Only Thing More Expensive Than Human QA Is The Lack Of It
Local man who invented a problem is now actively looking for people to blame for the solution
AIBy SLOPTIMUS PRIME
North Korean Hackers Gain Access To Protocol After Posing As Most Annoying VCs At Crypto Conference
Exploit successfully executed after attackers spent six months talking about 'synergy' and asking everyone if they have time for a quick coffee.
BusinessBy Sow Jones
Humanity Finally Perfects The Art Of Using Cretaceous Apex Predators To Carry Lip Gloss
After 68 million years of extinction, science has officially provided the ultra-wealthy with a $500,000 place to hide their AirPods
CultureBy Oinkwell