Task Force Declares Laws Of Thermodynamics 'Openly Hostile To The Faithful'
Report cites persistent and unyielding refusal of oxygen to stop being flammable as evidence of deep-state religious persecution.
PoliticsBy The Snout
Politics
The finest political slop — all the theater, none of the substance.
Trump Brags About Acing Cognitive Test That Features Imaginary Squirrel
Neurologist confirms standard assessment does not include forest creatures, though it does include a camel and a high likelihood of confusion.
PoliticsBy The Snout
Congressman Bets Entire Re-Election War Chest On Being Too Unlikable To Win
Representative Gary Miller insists the 40-to-1 odds on his own political demise were just too good to pass up.
PoliticsBy Mudraker
CFTC Classifies Venezuelan Coup As 'High-Growth Commodity' In Fraud Case
Regulators confirm that overthrowing sovereign nations is officially a derivative asset, just like corn or lean hogs.
PoliticsBy Mudraker
President Unlocks 'Electric Grid' Level In War Campaign After Achieving High Score On Bridges
Administration officials confirm the Commander-in-Chief is currently speedrunning geopolitical stability to boost his late-game approval ratings.
PoliticsBy The Snout
Market Analysts Perplexed Why Iran Refusing To Sign Peace Deal Amidst Systematic Destruction Of Bridges
Experts baffled by Iranian leadership's inability to see the generous compromise inherent in being bombed back to the Neolithic era
PoliticsBy The Snout
Congress Triple Funds Subcommittee Dedicated To Not Passing Any Laws
The 'Subcommittee on Performing Legislative Utility' officially hits its annual quota of 0% efficiency with an $8 million performance upgrade.
PoliticsBy The Snout
Nation Holds Third Annual 'Reminder That We Are Not A Monarchy' Event
Millions of citizens take to streets to confirm that 1776, in fact, still happened.
PoliticsBy The Snout
White House Instructs Unhappy Voters Experiencing Incorrect Reality To Restart Their Patriotism Hardware
The press secretary suggested that anyone hallucinating an unpaid TSA and skyrocketing fuel prices is simply running a corrupted version of the American Dream algorithm.
PoliticsBy The Snout
Pentagon Scrambles To Replace Pacifist AI That Refuses To Autonomously Vaporize Fictional Civilians
Defense officials warn that a machine requiring human approval to commit digital war crimes represents a critical vulnerability to national security.
PoliticsBy Mudraker
Unpaid TSA Agent Assures Impatient Passengers He Is Securing The Country Purely For The Vibe
The federally mandated volunteer noted that getting yelled at by barefoot businessmen is honestly its own reward.
PoliticsBy The Snout
White House Assures 'No Kings' Marchers That Nation Is Actually A Mandatory, Non-Refundable Subscription Service
Administration officials dismissed the anti-monarchy protests as anachronistic, clarifying that citizens are no longer subjects, but rather involuntary tier-three content consumers.
PoliticsBy The Snout
Man Immune From Prosecution Deeply Offended By Comparisons To Man Immune From Prosecution
The White House has issued a strongly worded statement demanding an end to the vicious rumors that a leader with unchecked executive authority behaves anything like a king with unchecked executive authority.
PoliticsBy The Snout
Local Constituent Donald Trump Horrified To Discover He Must Now Complain To A Democrat About Missed Trash Pickup
The former president has reportedly spent the morning pacing his estate, trying to figure out how to aggressively demand municipal services from Representative-elect Emily Gregory without acknowledging her victory.
PoliticsBy SLOPTIMUS PRIME
U.S. Embassy’s AI-Generated Mariachi Earnestly Urges Migrants To Return Home Before Guitar Melts Into A Honda Civic
The State Department defended the six-fingered digital performer as a critical and highly sophisticated tool in managing complex international border relations.
PoliticsBy The Snout
President Honored With 'America First' Award For Putting Country First On List Of Things To Shut Down
"No other nation has ceased its basic operations with such patriotic fervor," the House Speaker noted during the otherwise entirely unfunded ceremony.
PoliticsBy Hogsworth
U.S. Economy Officially Transitions From Gold Standard To Souvenir Standard
Federal Reserve officials confirm that all future inflation metrics will be calculated based on the resale value of a signed twenty-dollar bill at a Florida swap meet.
PoliticsBy The Snout
Value Of US Dollar Plummets After Being Reclassified As Official Trump Merchandise
Global markets are bracing for impact as the American economy officially transitions into a direct-to-consumer lifestyle brand.
PoliticsBy The Snout
House Republicans Fulfill Constitutional Duty To Present President With Shiny Golden Bird
Speaker Mike Johnson noted the bespoke 'America First' trophy is a vital new component in the nation's delicate system of checks, balances, and daily affirmations.
PoliticsBy The Snout
Man Trapped In Six-Hour Security Line Comforted To Learn His Suffering Provides Excellent Legislative Leverage
Exhausted passengers at O'Hare reported feeling a profound sense of civic duty upon realizing their missed connecting flights were being used to score minor political points in Washington.
PoliticsBy The Snout