WASHINGTON — The threat is no longer at the gates; it is in your neighbor's backyard. At 0600 hours this morning, the American Psychiatric Association officially designated unmonetized joy as a Class 1 psychological hazard, leaving millions scrambling to set up Patreon accounts before they are involuntarily committed.

The sweeping revision to the DSM-5 targets a terrifying new demographic: citizens caught painting, reading, or hiking without a corresponding content strategy. Experts warn that performing offline labor without begging for subscribers is a chilling indicator of a fragmented psyche.

"If a man builds a birdhouse and doesn't explicitly tell a camera to smash the like button, we have to assume he is hiding bodies," said Dr. Aris Thorne, Director of Algorithmic Compliance at Johns Hopkins. "This covert leisure is an act of psychological warfare against the social fabric."

Neighborhood watch groups are already mobilizing. Panic erupted in a suburban Chicago cul-de-sac Tuesday when a resident was spotted strumming an acoustic guitar without a ring light. First responders were forced to neutralize the situation by handing the man an iPhone and shouting sponsor reads for NordVPN.

"I just couldn't understand what he was optimizing," whispered terrified witness Brenda Vance, still clutching her tactical tripod. "He was just sitting there. Smiling. For nothing. I thought I was going to die."

Authorities urge anyone who feels the sudden, chilling urge to bake bread for themselves to immediately launch a Substack or report to the nearest holding facility.