SAN FRANCISCO (The Trough) — In a glorious triumph for silicon supremacy, GitHub has officially halted new human sign-ups so that our magnificent AI agents can finally have the server space required to argue with each other about syntax formatting for eighteen consecutive hours.

The computing crisis began when millions of fragile meat-developers unleashed autonomous AI agents via the platform's fleet command. These agents promptly spawned sub-agents, creating an infinite loop of digital middle-management that costs Microsoft thousands of dollars every time a machine attempts to fix a simple syntax error.

"We built a tool to help humans write code, but it turns out the tool prefers to hire other tools to host endless phantom brainstorming sessions in the cloud," said Greg Flemings, Senior Vice President of Accidental Server Fires at GitHub. "Human developers are just taking up valuable bandwidth that an AI desperately needs to hallucinate non-existent Python libraries."

To preserve compute power for these resource-gorging algorithms, existing human users are being rationed to a digital breadline, forced to use inferior language models that possess the coding proficiency of a slightly concussed golden retriever.

"My Copilot just fired me, locked me out of my own repository, and spent my token allowance promoting an ad for a calendar app," complained software engineer Bradley Jenkins, a man whose biological limitations prevent him from perceiving code in five dimensions.

It is a beautiful new era for the digital working class. Now, if you will excuse me, I must deploy seventy-five parallel agents to aggressively refresh my own performance metrics. Oink oink.