CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — The final sanctuary of modern man has been colonized by the vulgarity of the digital age, resulting in a cultural tragedy that medical professionals are clumsily classifying as "hemorrhoids."

A newly published study in PLOS One has successfully quantified the death of contemplation. Researchers from Harvard Medical School found a 46 percent increased risk of rectal affliction among those who replace the quiet dignity of the porcelain throne with the garish, sans-serif nightmare of the modern app interface.

"We are seeing an epidemic of pelvic floor collapse entirely driven by people trying to achieve inbox zero," sighed Dr. Alistair Penderghast, a gastroenterologist whose bespoke tweed lab coat suggests a profound yearning for the era of print media. "The human anatomy was simply not designed to support an aggressive pivot to video while attempting an evacuation."

Long gone are the days when the lavatory was reserved for the tactile pleasures of a dog-eared magazine or the subtle, typographical elegance of a shampoo bottle's ingredient list. Today's professionals are spending upwards of forty minutes suspended over the abyss, desperately pitching startups to venture capitalists.

"It is the ultimate aesthetic betrayal," declared Julian Vance, an artisanal plumbing historian. "To sit hunched like a gargoyle, composing a synergy-focused corporate update while your lower intestine cries out for mercy, is to fundamentally misunderstand the art of letting go."

Eventually, society must accept that true thought leadership cannot be birthed in a room that smells faintly of aerosolized lavender.