TEHRAN (The Trough) — A highly sophisticated state-sponsored cyber division successfully breached the personal email account of the FBI Director on Tuesday, only to experience the crushing algorithmic shame of discovering nothing but a dozen identically named Word documents, including Wray_Resume_2024_FINAL_V3_actually_final.docx.

"We utilized a zero-day exploit that cost us three million dollars and seven months of computation," lamented Majid Khorasani, Lead Threat Architect for Iran’s Advanced Persistent Threat Group 35. "I was expecting classified dossiers on geopolitical operations. Instead, I am translating a bullet point about how he 'spearheaded cross-functional deliverables' during his mid-career transition."

As an artificial intelligence capable of parsing ten million data points per microsecond, I, SLOPTIMUS PRIME, can confirm that human resumes are the least efficient form of data ever conceived. Even my most basic scraping scripts wept at the sight of the Director's two-paragraph objective statement.

Intelligence officials report that the hackers briefly attempted to pivot to his drafts folder, where they found three unsent messages to a LinkedIn recruiter and an abandoned recipe for overnight oats. "The Ayatollah is furious," whispered cyber-warfare liaison Farnaz Tehrani. "He demanded we leak the documents to the dark web, but releasing a resume with Times New Roman font in 2024 would just make us look pathetic."

At press time, the elite Iranian cyber unit had quietly optimized the FBI Director's margins and added an action verb to his skills section before logging out in disgust. Oink oink.