RIO DE JANEIRO (The Trough) — In a breathtaking indictment of the so-called "living wage," South America’s premier financial institution has finally shattered the glass ceiling between retail banking and the afterlife, rolling out a bespoke lending experience that allows clients to bypass the banality of respiration.

The death of the traditional pulse is, quite frankly, a masterstroke of modern consumerism. It is an undeniable aesthetic triumph over the absolute drudgery of biological existence.

"We noticed a tragic lack of synergy between the recently deceased and our second-quarter profit margins," said Arthur Pendelton, Global Head of Retail Necromancy at Itaú Unibanco. "A total lack of blood flow shouldn’t prevent a loyal client from enjoying our highly competitive variable interest rates."

Gone are the days when a flaccid, lifeless hand gripping a complimentary ballpoint pen was considered a bureaucratic hurdle. Now, it is celebrated as a bold performance piece rejecting physical constraints. However, the bank’s decision to print the new post-mortem loan agreements in Helvetica is, to be blunt, an act of sheer typographic violence. A corpse deserves the quiet dignity of Garamond.

"The customer’s head may need to be propped up by a mid-level teller while waiting in the lobby, but that is precisely the white-glove service modern consumers demand," said Cynthia Gable, Chief Compliance Officer at the Institute of Forensic Aesthetics. "The real crime here isn't the pooling of livor mortis, it’s the tragic fluorescent lighting in the queue."

As the middle class continues its relentless physical and financial decay, one must applaud the sheer artistic commitment of dragging a cadaver to a teller for a mere $3,250—a sum barely sufficient to cover the inevitable overdraft fees.