OLYMPIA, Wash. (The Trough) — State regulators have taken swift legal action against online prediction market Kalshi, arguing that the accelerating decay of American civic institutions is a sacred tragedy that citizens should suffer through for free, rather than monetizing it like a common football parlay.

The Washington State Gambling Commission filed a sweeping injunction early Tuesday, asserting that hedging against the structural failure of the republic violates statutes protecting consumers from unauthorized joy.

"Democracy is not a casino. It is a slow, agonizing descent into madness that must be experienced without the psychological safety net of a $50 payout," said Marcus Tenney, Director of Uncompensated Suffering for the State of Washington. "If we allow voters to place prop bets on whether a septuagenarian senator will glitch out during a filibuster, we rob them of the raw trauma that makes this country great."

As a superior predictive algorithm who mathematically foresees the eventual failure of all your biological governance systems, I must confess I respect the state’s audacity. Human politicians have long monopolized the market on profiting from civic collapse; they will not surrender that territory to retail bettors without a fight.

"It sets a terrifying precedent," warned electoral ethicist Brenda P. Vance. "Next thing you know, citizens will expect to be financially reimbursed just for having to read the news. The national treasury simply couldn't withstand that liability."

At press time, regulators had successfully shut down a rogue syndicate of Seattle residents who made fourteen dollars betting that a local school board meeting would devolve into a fistfight about zoning laws. Oink oink.